


Love and Trust

by BlytheAdorable



Series: Jotopa and the 115th Legion [5]
Category: Star Wars: The Clone Wars (2008) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M, Toby being an angsty boy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-05-08
Updated: 2019-05-08
Packaged: 2020-02-28 11:07:22
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,787
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18755230
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BlytheAdorable/pseuds/BlytheAdorable
Summary: He’s thought about it and thought about it, agonized over it for days, but he still can’t figure out why she doesn’t trust him.





	Love and Trust

**Author's Note:**

> Takes place almost directly after the fourth chapter of New Paint

 

Toby couldn’t think of a time he’d ever felt this angry at Jotopa. He kept going over all the different times she did some stupid shit or pulled some dumb fuck _Jetti_ move that forced him to risk life and limb to save both their shebs (he was thinking specifically of that time on Florien not long after they started working together where, because of her insistence on doing everything herself, she almost got her head blown off while he came very close to losing his deece), and none of those times, where he’d been so star’s damned pissed he could hardly breathe through his anger and frustration with her, came close to this.

 

It wasn’t so much that Jotopa went to Ash to confirm her pregnancy that made Toby mad. He could understand that: that desire to be certain of something so important. No, it was the fact that she went to Ash before telling him anything at all. 

 

Why didn’t she trust him? 

 

That’s all he kept wondering. Why that was. How that could be when he would do anything for her. How she could do this, after everything they’d gone through together, everything that he’d shared with her and her with him. She could fight side by side with him, entrust her life and her general happiness to his care, let him fuck her into oblivion almost every night, but she wouldn’t, or couldn’t, trust him with this. 

 

What was he doing wrong?

 

Toby sat on his little used bunk in a room that was his but that he rarely slept in. For two fitful days, he tossed and turned on this bunk, his body begging for sleep but his mind and heart too sick with anxiety and hurt to let him rest. He couldn’t have slept by himself if he wanted to: he was too used to having her in his arms, her skin against his. He could pile a hundred blankets on top of himself, and he still wouldn’t be warm enough, snug enough. The room was too quiet without her cute little snores, her breath hot and humid on his neck, her hair a soft pillow for his cheek, arm thrown across his chest, and legs tangled with his. But he couldn’t see her right now. Not until he figured out where he was lacking so badly that she wouldn’t tell him they were having a baby. 

 

He cradled his head in his hands, breath coming raggedly as he tried and failed to stave off the impending anxiety attack. He’d been having them, one after another, for hours on end, since he walked out of the kitchen. Toby knee that had been the worst thing he could have done, and he couldn’t imagine what his vode thought of his actions, let some what Jotopa must have felt when he suddenly left, which added to his anxiety, but his mind had been on autopilot, the only thing in his mind to get away from the cause of his stress as fast as possible. But he couldn’t run away from his own thoughts.

 

Deep breathing was the key. If he could get his breathing under control, then he would be okay, and he could force himself to leave this claustrophobic room and act like the kriffing officer he was. He just needed to calm down, just for a second, and he would be okay. Then he could find Jotopa and talk to her like the rational and mature adult he pretended to be. If only he could calm down a little, he would be okay. Just calm down, you di’kut, and you’ll be okay. Just calm -

 

Warm, calloused fingers gently touched his temples, effectively interrupting his quickly spiraling thoughts. Toby jerked, head snapping up, wide eyes meeting Jotopa’s anguished ones. He hadn’t heard her come in, and that more than anything told him how bad off he really was. He swallowed and cut his eyes away from her, unwilling to look at her but still traitorously leaning into her touch. 

 

“Oh, Toby. Won’t you look at me please?” She softly asked. A minute shake of his head was her answer. If he looked at her, Toby feared all his anger and frustration would come pouring out, and how was he supposed to get her to finally trust him with her heart if he started screaming at her?

 

“Please, Tob’ika?” She was pleading now, and stars, would her voice always do things to him? Would his chest always ache at the sound of her voice, his heart beat faster whenever she called his name? How was it possible that he loved her so much it scared him, and she had so little faith in him that she couldn’t share her worries with him? What had he neglected to do that would prove himself to her? Perhaps his defective nature ran deeper than he knew, and he couldn’t be what she needed? Maybe all this was just a kindness she had done him, and now she had humored him long enough. Toby closed his burning eyes, willing the gathering tears to go the fek away.

 

“Are you that angry with me, love?” 

 

He blinked, meeting her eyes with a frown, almost gasping in pain when he saw the tears sparkling in her eyes. Him...angry at her? Is that what she thought? And was she crying because of it? He couldn’t deny that he was angry, and yes because of her, but he wasn’t, he didn’t mean to cause her pain. His hands came up of their own volition and cupped her dear face, thumbs wiping away the tears that were pooling in her beautiful eyes. Toby wanted to swear because even upset and near tears, she took his breath away. 

 

“I’m not mad at you, Jo, I just...I don’t what I did for you not to trust me,” he said miserably. Her brow furrowed.

 

“What are you...of course I trust you, Toby! I trust you with everything I have. Everything I am is yours!” She said, and he wanted to believe her (she was also so, so earnest when she talked to him. She could tell him she had two heads, and he would be inclined to believe her), but if that was true why didn’t she tell him when she first suspected a pregnancy? He said as much to her, and she pushed away from him, a slim hand covering her mouth as she hunched in on herself. 

 

“I was afraid.” She said hesitantly. Toby’s heart stopped.

 

“Of me?” 

 

She scoffed, instantly negating his pained words. “No! I...I was afraid that if I told you, you would realize that you don’t deserve to be saddled with such a useless, stupid Jedi who’s only ever going to drag you down,” she laughed sardonically, and the self hatred in her voice rivaled his own. “If I were a better person, I would leave you alone. I would never have kissed you that day. But I’m not. I’m selfish, and I would kiss you all over again if presented with the same situation. You deserve better, and so does our baby. I’m sorry.” She stood, her arms wrapped around herself in that way she did when she was unhappy, and turned to walk out of his quarters. Toby reached out and caught her hand in his. She turned to look at him, one delicate eyebrow raised. Toby pushed off his bunk, pulling her close so he could tower over her smaller frame. Though he knew he couldn’t do anything she didn’t want to her (and wouldn’t even if he could), she always seemed to like it when he impressed the full weight of their bodily differences upon her, especially when he was upset with her. His little masochist.

 

“You’re so off the mark it’s almost funny,” he murmured, threading his fingers through her thick hair and pulling her head back, forcing her to look up at him. He watched her face carefully, savagely pleased by her inaudible gasp and the way her pupils dilated. “If you only knew the things I dream about doing to you on a daily basis, you wouldn’t have the balls to stand in front of me and say that I deserve better than you. I want you all to myself, and I don’t want to share you with anyone else. Even seeing you smile at my vode pisses me off sometimes,” he paused and, no longer able to resist when she was so, so close, kissed her open mouth, moaning when she immediately deepened the kiss, wrapping her arms around his neck to pull him closer. Gods, this was how he wanted to spend the rest of his life. Totally wrapped up in her. He should know better than to kiss her when he had something important to say, but he just couldn’t help himself. “I’m supposed to take care of you, but I can’t do that if you don’t trust me, beauty,” he managed to say between kisses, mumbling the words against her mouth. 

 

“I do trust you, Toby, and I’m so sorry I made you think otherwise,” she breathed, peppering his beard stubbled jaw with light kisses as she did so. He leaned his head back to give her better access to his neck, his skin tingling with pleasure everywhere her lips touched. He felt himself slowly begin to relax, allowing himself to be lead until he was laying on his bunk, her clever fingers working at the snaps and buckles of what armor he hadn’t had the presence of mind to discard. 

 

“Are we really having a baby, Jo,” he asked, suddenly incredibly exhausted. Jotopa hummed softly, working his legs braces and boots off.

 

“Yes we are, sweet one. Are you excited?” She had him down to his black now, and at her urging, he wiggled out of it until he was completely nude. He lay there, slowly falling asleep, calm for the first time in days as he listened to her undress. 

 

“I’m terrified,” he confessed, sighing in contentment when she curled into the crook of his arm, her head pillowed on his shoulder.

 

She nodded. “Me too. Life as a Jedi doesn’t exactly give one the skills needed to have a child. I hope I don’t mess this up.”

 

He hugged her tight to him, wishing their bodies could mold into one. “You won’t mess up.” 

 

“You think so?”

 

“I know it, sir.” 

 

He felt her smile against his skin and finally felt that everything was as it should be once more.

 

His last thought before sleep claimed him was that he hoped the baby was a girl as lovely as her mother. 

 

 

 

 


End file.
